Biohazard Girl. Wait, you mean it’s genetic?

SCIENCE

The number of diagnosed celiacs is growing rapidly.  While the Mayo Clinic’s famous statistic estimates 1 in 133 Americans have celiac disease, that study also found only 3% of them are diagnosed.  I believe this study took place in 2003.  While I would love to fact-check and provide you with highly accurate information on that date, I ended up on a government website recruiting individuals with celiac disease for various clinical trials when I was googling the study date.  So, if you’re afflicted with the celiac and aching for some clinical trials of the hep B vaccine, there’s a website waiting for you.

Getting sidetracked = why we’ll never know what year that one study on celiac disease took place… unless someone leaves a comment with that information.

So of the 2 million people in the USA with celiac disease, apparently only 3 percent of them are diagnosed—BUT—these are the numbers from 2003! Nobody has a more recent finding.  (For the love of god, if you do, give it to me!)  So, formulating my hypothesis: If 3% of the 2 million celiacs were actually diagnosed in 2003, then  … MORE will have been diagnosed in 2011!  Oh, wait, I forgot to mention another variable to this occasion: I seem to spread celiac disease wherever I go, like some kind of fairy.

My theoretical constructs are becoming more complicated!

They seem to be dropping like flies...

Two girls I was friends with in high school were diagnosed years after I graduated (that would put 3 celiacs in a graduating class of 233), nearly everyone in my family has celiac disease, countless others I know eat GF without a formal diagnosis, and the icing on the cake? Getting a random text message from an ex boyfriend I had forgot existed because I repressed his existence from memory.  “Is this maddy varno? You need to call me right now!” Next text, “I was diagnosed celiac and I don’t know what I can eat, I’m starving and I need help!” F that, I don’t care, figure it out yourself.  If you’re out there, I have this message for you: Ohhh dear, that’s unfortunate, I suggest you alter your diet from beer to include: not beer.  For the record, if you go 6 years without talking to an ex, you usually forget their phone number.  And next time you date somebody, please don’t almost trade them for a Mitsubishi Eclipse (true story).  After that text message, I was tempted to pull a P. Diddy (reference image).

"If too many people know your name,
change it.  Then, change it again.
Worked for me."

So, to those of you who I’ve ruined with celiac disease, I apologize.  May your gluten-free bread remain spongy, and may your cookies always crumble minimally.

Wait, what, you mean celiac disease is genetic, not contagious?  … Well, that’s a relief, I no longer fear being ostracized and sent to live in a bubble…