Biohazard Girl. Wait, you mean it’s genetic?

SCIENCE

The number of diagnosed celiacs is growing rapidly.  While the Mayo Clinic’s famous statistic estimates 1 in 133 Americans have celiac disease, that study also found only 3% of them are diagnosed.  I believe this study took place in 2003.  While I would love to fact-check and provide you with highly accurate information on that date, I ended up on a government website recruiting individuals with celiac disease for various clinical trials when I was googling the study date.  So, if you’re afflicted with the celiac and aching for some clinical trials of the hep B vaccine, there’s a website waiting for you.

Getting sidetracked = why we’ll never know what year that one study on celiac disease took place… unless someone leaves a comment with that information.

So of the 2 million people in the USA with celiac disease, apparently only 3 percent of them are diagnosed—BUT—these are the numbers from 2003! Nobody has a more recent finding.  (For the love of god, if you do, give it to me!)  So, formulating my hypothesis: If 3% of the 2 million celiacs were actually diagnosed in 2003, then  … MORE will have been diagnosed in 2011!  Oh, wait, I forgot to mention another variable to this occasion: I seem to spread celiac disease wherever I go, like some kind of fairy.

My theoretical constructs are becoming more complicated!

They seem to be dropping like flies...

Two girls I was friends with in high school were diagnosed years after I graduated (that would put 3 celiacs in a graduating class of 233), nearly everyone in my family has celiac disease, countless others I know eat GF without a formal diagnosis, and the icing on the cake? Getting a random text message from an ex boyfriend I had forgot existed because I repressed his existence from memory.  “Is this maddy varno? You need to call me right now!” Next text, “I was diagnosed celiac and I don’t know what I can eat, I’m starving and I need help!” F that, I don’t care, figure it out yourself.  If you’re out there, I have this message for you: Ohhh dear, that’s unfortunate, I suggest you alter your diet from beer to include: not beer.  For the record, if you go 6 years without talking to an ex, you usually forget their phone number.  And next time you date somebody, please don’t almost trade them for a Mitsubishi Eclipse (true story).  After that text message, I was tempted to pull a P. Diddy (reference image).

"If too many people know your name,
change it.  Then, change it again.
Worked for me."

So, to those of you who I’ve ruined with celiac disease, I apologize.  May your gluten-free bread remain spongy, and may your cookies always crumble minimally.

Wait, what, you mean celiac disease is genetic, not contagious?  … Well, that’s a relief, I no longer fear being ostracized and sent to live in a bubble…

Have S'more Sloppy Joes

Today, we salute a long-lost friend of my appetite: The Sloppy Joe.

Lets start with a brief, subjectively-recalled history of this main dish:

1993: Somewhere in Webster, NY, a young Maddy Varno is served sloppy joes in the Schlegel Road School lunch room.  Later that evening, she comes home and asks, "Momma, why can't you cook like the school cafeteria?"

Crazy sloppy joes lady

1995: Billy Madison is released in theaters.  Movie-watchers everywhere witness the crazy cafeteria lady saying "Have s'more schloppy joes.  I made'em extra sloppy for ya!" Then, everyone laughs maniacally, and Billy says, "Lady, you're scaring us!"

2002: Maddy is diagnosed with Celiac disease, sloppy joes are exiled from her diet because mom wasn't eager to make a GF replacement after the whole "why can't you cook like the school" comment.

Hoagies and grinders,
navy beans navy beans
sloppy joes, sloppy sloppy joes

2004: An environmental science teacher shows the class The Best of Chris Farley on SNL instead of teaching that day.  Maddy is exposed to "Lunch Lady Land" by Adam Sandler.

2010: Maddy requests sloppy joes for her birthday dinner.  Her family acts slightly appalled, and I am required to choose a different meal.  I settled for eggplant parm. :(

I present: last night's dinner

2011: Alex and Maddy, while strolling through Wegmans in Pittsford, NY, walk past a can of Manwich.  "Sloppy joes for dinner," I demand!

So, last night, I dug my face into some sloppy joes and ended up with sauce all over my nose, forehead, and shirt (We just made Manwich and I ate it on Udi's bread).  It was very satisfying for my quarter-life crisis, which has been to find a gluten-free alternative for my childhood favorites.  What should I tackle next? Mozzarella sticks are a possibility, but honestly, I'm waiting for someone to come out with frozen ones.  Can someone tell me why nobody has done this yet? baaaaa

 

For anyone interested, I would love to dress up like a cafeteria food and prance around.

Oh, on another note, my blog address is now MaddyVarno.com.  I'm working on getting my portfolio of writing samples up on portfolio.maddyvarno.com.  To all 4 of my loyal readers, I thank you for your continued support!

Chip Face

As I sit here, eating my nuggs, I am reminded of a recent Facebook comment I receieved shortly after my last blog post.  I will display the comment below:

"What is a nugg?"

I am pleased to answer this! A nugg is what I call chicken nuggets.  My vernacular regarding this food stems mainly from the excitement and urgency I usually feel when I decide I want some nuggs.  It is such a pressing urgency, that articulating the entire phrase "chicken nuggets" soon became the simple term of "nuggs."

Chips are part of my imbalanced diet.

Since I can't stroll through the Burger King drive through for some nuggs, I buy mine frozen.  I've mentioned the mass quantities of frozen foods I consume previously, so today I'm feeling like examining another staple of my diet: chips.

I love many different kinds of chips; please don't make me choose between my babies.  That being said, every week I buy at least one bag of the following:

• Lundberg rice chips (my favorite flavors are barbecue and honey dijon)
• Kettle brand potato chips (favorite flavors are baked barbecue, and backyard barbecue)
• Baked Lays (favorite flavor is Parmesan and Tuscan herb)

The good kind of rice chips.

Chip Face Rookie Mistake: "rice chips:"

Not to be confused with Lundberg rice chips which actually look more like tortilla chips, the rice chips I'm referring to here are small round discs that come in a pack, not a bag.  They are packaged like they're supposed to be Oreos or something.  I advise against these.  If the situation occurs where you are presented with these rice chips, I suggest licking the salt and/or flavor off, then throwing the rest of the "chip" away.

The wrong kind of rice chips.

In other news, I'm sitting here writing this blog as I listen to NPR.  They're talking about new health care regulations and how dependent children can now stay on their parent's health insurance policy until age 26.  They had a sound clip from a woman talking about how it is a relief for her son in college, who has Celiac disease.  This just seemed weird to me.  Were they trying to make it sound like Celiac disease required frequent medical care? From my experience it doesn't... if my health insurance were to be in jeopardy, my first though wouldn't be "Oh no, but I have Celiac disease!" It would probably be, "Oh no, I'm a goddamn KLUTZ!"

How to live an awesome gluten free life

I will now share my expertise on how to live an awesome gluten-free life.

I propose the following guidelines:

As depicted, it is usually
overcast.

#1 Pick your location wisely

From my experience, larger metropolitan areas tend to see more people, and as a result, are more aware of accomodating unusual requests, especially of a dietarty nature.  I do not live in a thriving metropolis, I live in a wilting metropolis (Rochester), but I am fortunate that this city is extremely knowledgable on gluten free food and the celiac lifestyle.

If your bread needs this, you're
making it wrong.

In addition to your city of location, being happy in the physical setting of your home environment is also important.  For example, I once lived in a college apartment with a roommate who decided to briefly date one of my best friends halfway into the lease.  When they broke up, I became highly suspect (and not just because she wen't through my phone and saw I texted him to "dump his ho," ...oh wait, yes, that was why she hated me).  I spent the duration of the lease finding open boxes of vital wheat gluten in the living room.  Needless to say, I moved out early one day while she was at work.  It is important to live with people who understand that gluten causes a bad autoimmune reaction when it gets into your body.

#2 Find fabulous food

To reiterate my love of food, I have
included a picture of my freezer.

A gluten-free diet does not equal a boring diet! If it does, you're doing it wrong.  I spice my diet up with restaurant food and frozen meals all the time, mainly because I'm lazy and busy.  One of my on-the-go favorites right now is ordering sandwiches from Panera without the bread.  They neatly assemble the sandwich content onto a plate and hand that to me, and I whip out my Udi's white sandwich bread and assemble my sandwich.  I also enjoy pre-cooked food and salt, so a staple of my diet is TV dinners.  My favorite right now is Pasta Primavera from Gluten Free Cafe.


#3 Work a baller job

Gluten-free food doesn't come cheap.  With this appetite, working is a necessity.  I've still got a couple months to graduation, so I'm still a full-time student, thus a part-time worker.  Maximizing work benefits becomes crucial to an awesome life.  Ideally, employment should is on par with your career goals, pay well for the work, and be for a company you like.  Employment example: I work for Barnes & Noble college as a brand ambassador, so I execute marketing tactics on my campus for the brand. 

Paper bag clothes and .49 cent
meals offset the expenses of my
education (not that I eat Ramen)

I love the work, like today I had a meeting with the store manager at RIT (I don't work for the store, I work for the brand) and learned that if course instructors don't submit the textbook titles they're using next quarter, students who go to sell the books back get like $15 for the book.  If it's a book that a professor told the book store they're gonna use, students will get 3-4 times more money. It makes me frustrated that some teachers take their time! They're trying to help take the risk out of that by offering textbook rentals though, because you just pay less to begin with instead of crossing your fingers and hoping for favorable economics at the end of the quarter.  I know my Health Awareness book was $80 less for rental.  I kind of laugh when I remember the bookstore at MCC, waiting in line to buy your textbooks usually took an hour.  You weren't allowed to bring your backpack into the store, either, ahahah, they handed out quarters and you had to put it in a locker! WOW in retrospect, that is so bootleg. Glad I transferred!

So, remember: Location, food, and work = an awesome life by Maddy's standards. Now, I'm going to go eat some nuggs.

2011 Gluten Free trends?

Amy's gluten free TV dinners are why
I hate vegetarians.

What will the big trend be in gluten free food for 2011?

2010 gave us Udi's.  I'd consider that the biggest GF trend of 2010.  The bread is good, for sandwiches, but it can get really soggy really quick.  I think normal gluten bread does that too though.

I would sandwich this between two steaks.

What do I hope will become mainstream in 2011? Gluten free food that any normal, rational person would want to eat.  When I was diagnosed 6 years ago, the only TV dinners I could find were vegetarian, dairy free, vegan, tasteless, weird looking, ethnic foods.  What the hell.  I had to go from Banquet fried chicken to tofu and rice?? Mother F! Can't someone invent American foods that are gluten free? I'm talking mozzarella sticks, or fried chicken, or, I don't know.  Something that comes with a lot of meat that was brutally slaughtered, stuffed full of preservatives, covered in salt, and delivered to a frozen food department near me.  This is all I want.  Please deliver it to my face.

Companies have gotten a good start on making food that normal Americans would want to eat, for example, Glutino makes bootleg Oreos, or as they like to call them, "chocolate vanilla dream cookies." My open letter to their marketing department: That name is a little too creative.  You are clearly over-stimulated, next time tone it down a notch.

The moon looks like a cookie too,
but you can't eat that!

I think the Kinnickinick Kinni-toos have the excitement of traditional oreos, but the cookies are a little stiff and the cream really tastes like lard (I think traditional Nabisco Oreos are stuffed with lard anyways, but... yeah, sorry if I just ruined Oreos for you).  If I could take the Kinni-toos packaging, and stuff it with the Chocolate and Vanilla Dream Cookies, I'd be in cookie monster heaven.

Now, since I've just really put myself in the mood for cookies, I'm going to go implement gluten free cookies into my advertising homework as much as possible (Print ad mock-ups, here I come!)